The post: Seeing a Woman: A conversation between a father and son got me thinking about how daughters should be taught about modesty and personal responsibility. Nate Pyle nailed the fact that boys need to take responsibility for their thoughts and actions with regard to women regardless of how the women dress.
Tag: children
Identity theft is certainly not a danger anyone should take lightly but parents should be especially attuned to this danger because children are at higher risk to be victims of identity theft and, because they are children the crime is less likely to be discovered in a timely manner. Adults are more likely to be using their credit and checking their credit scores and thus are more likely to become alerted to identity theft in a timely manner. For children, the very fact of having a credit score is usually an indication that their identities have been stolen. The question is, what can parents do about this.
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Rediscovering the Forgotten Parent
A recent article on the impact that fathers have on a child’s development brought this topic to mind. The article cited studies out of Oxfordcorrelating infant/father interactions and behavioral issues of young children. Better interactions between a father and a 3 month old correlated with fewer behavioral issues at a year and beyond. This is hardly a unique finding but it was a good reminder of this critical aspect of building strong families.
When we acknowledge how important good fathering is to building strong families the statistics about the absence of fathers is all the more alarming. Of course this is not a problem exclusive to fathers but the statistics on absentee and ineffective fathers is indicative of the overall weakness of the family in our present society.
Do you know how much people watch you?
Of course you are Eyrings and with that I guess you would have to expect that people would pay attention to what you do just because of your parentage. But are you aware of how much you are watched not because of who your parents are, but because of who your children are and because of the choices you have made about who you will be?
I can only speak for myself, but I pay attention every time I see your van on the street – watching to see who is driving and how happy they usually are. When I see the van parked somewhere I stay alert for the opportunity to see the Eyrings going about their daily lives.
Why do I do this? Because unlike so many, you have chosen to have more than three children. Unlike so many, you have chosen to have mother stay at home and devote her full energy to raising the children. Unlike most that we know who fall into the previous categories, you have some children old enough for us to get a good glimpse of how they have or will turn out. It is because of some of your older children that I pay attention to your family.
I have been blessed to see one of your daughters regularly as a Sunday School teacher. I am under no illusion that she is perfect, or that there is something about her that cannot be achieved by any young woman who is well taught at home, but I could clearly see through those interactions that she is the kind of young woman that I would hope for my daughters to grow up and be like – intelligent, affable, and good.
I have not known any of your sons so intimately as that but I have observed and clearly see that the oldest of your sons is clearly among the good examples of young men whom I hope my sons will emulate as they grow older. Like the sister I know best, he seems intelligent, affable, and good.
You stand out because your children are very good. Their goodness is a testament to the value of having a mother who knows that the greatest good she can do is to be fully engaged in raising the children rather than being lured out into working in order to provide some extra material goods.
Your children stand out, not because they are perfect, or even better than all the other youth around them, but because they have turned out so well while being raised with many siblings rather than few – and that gives me hope that our children may turn out to be very good even though we have chosen not to stop at three or four. It is because I have seen the results of your efforts that I watch in case I can learn any clues about what you do, and also to give me comfort that your have done so well even facing similar challenges to what we find ourselves facing.
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Halloween Tradition
Three years ago I would have told you that Halloween was the dumbest/worst holiday on the calendar. Two years ago I did say that it was tolerable. Last year if I had written about it I would have said that it was a really fun to go chat with our neighbors while the kids got more sugar than we would wish them to have. This year we started what we hope will become a tradition (and hopefully we’ll get it refined so that it works very smoothly for everyone) – we gave out hot chocolate as our Halloween treat. For the sake of helping us to remember the details – and because everybody surely wants to know the details of what we want to do for Halloween each year – I am writing how we made this work this year.
Laura made homemade hot chocolate in the late afternoon and we put it in a crock pot on “warm” sitting on a table just inside the front door. We placed an abundance of small paper cups there and then we went out for out round of trick-or-treating. I’m not sure we got it right this year, but the intent is for us to go early enough in the evening that we can catch the bulk of our neighbors home as we circle our block once – I imagine that over the years the kids will expand their range but for now once around that block in about an hour lets us see and talk to a bunch of people and is about enough for their attention. The hope is that this gets us home in time so that few if any local witches, ghouls, and goblins have come to our door before we return. Then we can see them (again in many cases) as they enjoy our warm offering as the evening gets colder. I can seriously envision having our children going out with friends and ending the evening with a hot chocolate party at our house.
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Personal Challenges
We had a neighborhood party last Saturday and as we were driving home we got talking with the kids about one of our neighbors and his son who is autistic. As we explained some basics about autism we did so in the context of the fact that everybody has different challenges in life, that the challenges we face may change at different periods of our lives, and that autism is one of those challenges that some people have to deal with.
This got the kids talking about their individual challenges and then they started asking Laura and I what our challenges were right now. When they asked me what my life challenge was right now I told them that my challenge right now is that my life is not always perfect, that sometimes things do not go as smoothly as I might wish.
As I thought about it, that’s a pretty good challenge to have (and I’m sure it can’t last forever). Everything in my life is going pretty well right now. It’s not that I’m in total control and the world bends to my will, but when things do not go as planned there are no devastating consequences. I do not get distraught when something I want remains out of reach because nothing that I need has been denied me, and nothing that I want right now is time sensitive so I can afford to wait when necessary.
Over the years in my life there have been a number of men who have served as examples of fatherhood for me – unfortunately despite whatever desires I have had my own father has never been among those men within the range of my memory. As Father’s Day approached this year I thought about how disappointing that was for me to realize that Father’s Day is a completely lopsided holiday for me – it is an excuse for my wife and kids to tell me I’m great (or not – young kids aren’t always reliable about acting as the label on the calendar might indicate) but I have no inclination to try digging out my Dad’s phone number to call him up and say “Thanks for . . . something; I just can’t think what exactly it was.”
Today started out bittersweet. Bitter for the reasons cited above, and sweet to hear my kids in the other room as I woke up singing Happy Birthday to their sister who has her birthday today as well. That indicated to me that we’re doing pretty good as a family. As I think on that and the fact that all my brothers seem to be doing pretty good as fathers in their own families I have hope for the future that my grandchildren and their generation of cousins etc. might be unaware that the chain of honorable fatherhood was ever broken in their ancestry.
I have written before about our national propensity to use government when it is not the proper tool for the job. Scott summed my point up very succinctly in a recent post:
There is a proper tool for every job. Use of the wrong tool often produces substandard results. Sometimes it is necessary to make do with what you have. That’s called innovation. But regularly using the wrong tool when the right tool is available is just plain stupid.
One of the basic tenets of classical liberalism is to regard government as a tool to be used only where it is most appropriate; the chief role of government being to safeguard and expand liberty. Many people (from all over the political spectrum) view government as a big stick to be employed in forcing others to conform to their particular view of good.
Government is not the only tool that we often use inappropriately, and sometimes the wrong tool is employed not because it is the tool of choice, but because we refuse to use the proper tool. Such is the often the case with regard to schools disciplining children.
A large number of schools use potentially dangerous methods to discipline children, particularly those with disabilities in special education classes, a report from Congress’ investigative arm finds.
In some cases, the Government Accountability Office report notes, children have died or been injured when they have been tied, taped, handcuffed or pinned down by adults or locked in secluded rooms, often to be left for hours at a time.
Some people would be quick to blame the authoritarian, impersonal schools for their outrageous methods of discipline and while I am far from a believer in the infallibility of schools I think that such blame is misplaced in the vast majority of cases.
The real blame lies in the fact that many parents fail to enforce discipline in their homes and even among those who do enforce discipline in their homes all too many make themselves unavailable to take on that responsibility when their children require more discipline than can reasonably be applied by a teacher in charge of more than a dozen students. What’s worse, is that we cannot even safely place the blame fully on the shoulders of the individual parents. Too many of them are forced into situations where they cannot devote themselves to parenting full-time. (Sometimes they just feel forced into those situations.)
As a society we have set too low a value on the role of parenting – placing it completely secondary to economic productivity. We have set expectations too high for our material and economic standard of living – where the luxuries of yesterday must necessarily be necessities today. Consider cell phones for every family member over the age of 10, cars for everyone over 16, cable TV, computers, game consoles, television sets in every room, dance-lessons, sports, and hobbies for each day of the week.
None of these things is intrinsically bad, but together they form unreasonable and unsustainable expectations and they destroy the possibility for most stable families to keep at least one parent available to take care of their children when needs arise.
Not only that, but we expect the schools to provide many of those hobbies through requiring gym, art, and music classes as well as extracurricular sports. The result is that even where there are parents at home and available the children often spend too many hours under the care of their teachers and not enough under the influence of their parents. This serves to lessen the parental influence and offers incentive for parents who would otherwise be available to commit themselves to other activities lest they feel they are wasting their time.
The problems are complex and interwoven so that any hope of identifying the solutions is dependent on our recognition of how and when any given tool can be used and insisting on using each tool in its proper place rather than finding favorite tools and trying to make this reduced tool set suitable for all our needs.
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Getting Carried Away
Kids do the darndest things – especially if you blink. Today, while we were out learning about the options for a swingset we stopped at IKEA for some food. After we were done I took the kids toward the car while Laura just had to walk through the toy area of IKEA. I loitered with the kids near the entrance while waiting for Laura and as I was trying to get all the kids to go engage themselves in the drawing easels to pass the time (as Savannah was already doing) Alyssa suddenly tried to get my attention regarding Isaac. Not really hearing her I glanced at Isaac to find him going up the escalator ON THE OUTSIDE. He was hanging by his hands being carried up the outside of the escalator over a concrete floor.
I ran towards him to grab him off before he got out of reach but as I got to where he was and tried to stop myself and grab him the laws of physics reminded me that the shoes I was wearing had absolutely no traction. I went down in a heap next to the escaltor. Thankfully a woman who had seen this little boy rising in the air grabbed Isaac as I went down and set him next to me. Thus we could get a good laugh out of the whole thing (after we got the other kids to quit grabbing the escalator rail and left the building).
So while the whole thing could have been disasterous I am left wishing there was some video footage that I could play back so I could see what it looked like from an objective view.
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It Takes a Village
Most people have heard the proverb “it takes a village to raise a child,” especially since it was made more famous by the book “authored” by Hillary Clinton when she as the First Lady. (Personally I doubt that she “actually wrote the book” as she claims. She probably commissioned it, helped edit it for content, approved it, and wrote the acknowledgment section.) Of course, Mrs. Clinton meant that society was very important in raising a child – which is true on the surface – but the real value in the proverb is not what it means about child-rearing as what it means about society. What I take it to mean for society is that we must build societies that are large enough to provide the support necessary to raise a child to adulthood and intimate enough that each child is more than a statistic in the process. That’s the main problem with the government approach – government solutions must reduce everyone to no more than a statistic. A village, in other words, consists of those outside the immediate family who are familiar and trusted by each other (both children and adults) and who have an interest in the successful raising of the children in the village.
A perfect example of the village approach occurred last night. We went to see a performance of Annie being put on by Bountiful High. Soon after we arrived we ran into my cousins, JP and Marie Feinauer. The kids were well behaved for the first song, but then their ages began to catch up with them. Isaac started running up and down the aisle. He wasn’t very noisy, but with the light coming from the open doors at the back he cast a long (and distracting) shadow. Mariah was pretty good, except that she had to keep switching laps. Alyssa could not seem to stop herself from changing seats, bouncing, and talking (without her whisper voice). Savannah was perfectly behaved. Considering how late it was (late for young children) we decided that we needed to leave at intermission, but that was really not fair to Savannah who was enjoying the show and acting appropriately. This is where JP and Marie, members of our village, come into our story. At intermission I asked if the Feinauer’s would be willing to drive Savannah home at the end of the show. They agreed.
Because they were there, and were trusted by both us and Savannah, we were able to take the three home who were not acting appropriate to the setting while allowing Savannah to stay. Not only was this fair for all of the children, but being able to make that distinction showed in a very tangible way what behavior was appropriate at a public performance. I honestly expect that at the next public performance we attend Alyssa will act appropriately (and possibly even Mariah) because of the lesson from last night – made possible because of some help from our village.